I’m tryin not to curse so much, I really am. Well I suppose I could try harder, but the truth is I only realize I’m cursing too much after the bad words come out. It’s like an ambush or something.
Funny thing is, I grew up very proper. My folks were into church—we would go every Sunday. I went to Sunday school and now my dad’s even a deacon. So the church thing is very serious and cursing is definitely not allowed.
One time I slipped up and said “shit” in front of my dad out in the garage and he looked at me with a look of total disapproval, real hard, and said “what did you say” and I stammered out somethin like “I don’t know I’m sorry it just came out” and then I ran back inside the house. He wasn’t gonna do anything like hit me or ground me or anything but I just felt so embarrassed. Funny cos now every other word out of my mouth is eff this eff that goddam so and so. Like a crotchety old man. Which is part of why I liked curse words to begin with. It’s fun to act like an old man when you’re young. Weathered, you kno? Like Tom Waits or something . But then you actually get old and you’re like wait a minute. This is not so good.
Like my back for instance. My back is killing me for the past week. I mean I’m only 33 for god’s sake but my back is killing me. More than my back—it goes down through my butt cheeks and into my upper thighs. Would you listen to me! I sound like a granny. And I feel like one too.
Told my dad about it and he said it sounds like the sciatic nerve. I thought sciatica was a skin disease but it turns out that it’s when you’re sciatic nerve, which is the biggest nerve in your body—runs down your whole spine—well that thing gets inflamed. And let me tell you it’s no party. I can’t even tie my shoes. I look like a goddam fish flopping around in the morning trying to get my clothes on. Makes you appreciate things. You know some people live like that every day, forever. What about the girl who has no arms, have you seen her on TV? She does everything with her legs, it’s pretty amazing. She can peel a banana with her toes and then eat it with no trouble, can you imagine?
My soon-to-be-brother-in-law’s dad told me ice was the way to go. We didn’t have any ice packs so I used a bag of frozen tuna steaks. Laid on top of em in the bed. It kinda worked for a minute. My wife said DO NOT leave those tuna steaks in the bed. I thought, of course I won’t, and then would you believe I almost did! They were hiding under the covers but I spotted em before I left for work and put them back in the freezer. She woulda killed me. Can you imagine?